WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
