I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
