I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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