if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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