I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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