I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
