why didn't you poke me back
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
