please come you make the beer taste better
Little spoons don't ask big questions
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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