god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i out mim tonsoeep
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