after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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