Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
