Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
