Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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