Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
