Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
