we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He did a backflip because drugs
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