just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
