You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
