i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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