her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
