Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
