She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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