i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
