god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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