my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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