Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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