After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
