so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
