I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
