My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
