i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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