I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
