I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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