oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
