Can i not drive my cunt home
...so i touched it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
