I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
