Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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