Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
