You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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