I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
