Ambien. No doubt about it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
