you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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