A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
