My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize