I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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