i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
