oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
