My cat gives me a boner
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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