u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
