I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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