no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
