First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
