I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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