Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize