everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
