somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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