I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
