i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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