I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
