Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
